I normally try to keep this blog light-hearted and fun. But every now and then I have to realize that having heartache and pain need to written too because otherwise I might explode with all of those thoughts inside of me swirling and whirling, and totally overtaking my thinking power.
I hate pregnancy tests. There is so much anticipation while waiting for those little pink lines to appear. Today another pregnancy test was negative. I am tired of negative pregnancy tests. I am tired of not being pregnant. Each negative pregnancy test is just a reminder of what I have lost and it brings back all of the heartache. I have been wanting to be pregnant for about nine months now (see this previous post). We waited a little for Boston, but then I had the miscarriage (see this previous post), and now we are trying again. I don't think I ever realized how hard it was to be the friend who wasn't pregnant at a baby shower who desperately wanted to be. To watch all of your pregnant friends growing with healthy babies and think, "If everything had gone well I would be that pregnant right now." To look at the dates on the calendar and think, "Wow, I would have already been through my first and second trimester by now." Instead of, "Great, I have to start from scratch and I'm not going to get my baby for another year...if things work out." To hold a friend's new baby and realize, "I don't even have one in the works."
I feel so much empathy for all of my friends who have a hard time getting pregnant. For all my friends who are anxiously awaiting adoption to build their families. Life doesn't always going according to plan. I'm learning this. My plan was to have all my kids 2 1/2 years apart. Now, at the earliest, McKenzie will still be more than three years older than the next kid. If I don't get pregnant this next round then I'm going to have to wait another five months to try again because of a pending trip to China (I'm not having a baby in China). Can I really do that? Can I really wait another five months to start trying? By then McKenzie will be almost four years old. Why can't life just go according to plan? Why can't those rotten pregnancy tests just tell me what I want to know!
11 comments:
I'm so sorry Annette! I can feel your pain. Obviously, there's quite a gap between Zach and this one too-- 4 years, not exactly "the plan." All I can say is hang in there and when you least expect it, it will happen.
Annette, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I know what you are going through. It took us 2 1/2 years to get pregnant with our newest little one. 2 1/2 years of negative pregnancy tests and fertility dr's. I will say that in retrospect the Lord had a plan for us. It was hard to recognize it while I was going through it, but it really was for the best. Garrett and Eli are almost 4 years apart and Garrett is totally in love and he is such a great helper. You will be in my prayers. I hope you get those two pink lines soon. Keep your head up and try to live in the moments enjoying your beautiful daughters.
:( I'm sorry Annette. Crossing my fingers for you! ~hugs~
Oh, Annette! That IS rotten. I swear it wasn't that long ago that we sat in my living room and laughed about our "2 1/2 year plans." Sometimes it just sucks when life throws curve balls. I hope you see those two pink lines soon. Love ya!
I am so sorry Annette! You are in my prayers!!
I'm with Natalie. It does stink when life throws u a curveball. I'm sorry u r going through this. It's really not fun, accompanied with heartache and frustration. Owen and I have been talking about having 1 more for over a year. We don't know why since the 4 we have, have sent us to the looney bin! But, We decided to just go for it in January and in February I ended up having an ectopic pregnancy which burst and so they had to take one of my tubes. It all happened so fast. Found out I was pregnant Friday and was deathly ill the next day. I guess it was better that way since I didn't have time to process it, but it was still hard afterwards. My thought was is this heavenly fathers way of saying u r done! No more kids!!! Or was this just something we needed to go through? So now I'm a one tube woman, so we'll see if it even happens. Sorry to ramble on about my own sob story, but I think sometimes it helps to know that u r not alone in this and hearing about others situations can sometimes be encouraging. Hang in there! Everything will be fine and u will be blessed! I truly believe that!
I'm so sorry Annette. I can't relate exactly, but we had a time between a couple of our kids where I was so ready to be pregnant and it just didn't happen for about 6 months. That may seem small & insignificant, but it seemed like forever at the time. It wasn't until afterwards in retrospect that I realized the timing had been perfect, and Heavenly Father really does know. I hope you get those two pink lines soon!
Oh Annette I am so sorry! Family planning is sort of a joke isn't it. There isn't much you can plan for and the more you plan on it the more discouraging it is when it doesn't work out. Those calendar months really fly by when you want a baby. Nothing worse!
I now how horrible those 3 minutes are waiting & looking for the double line. My advice is to buy a digital ovulation kit(clear blue easy). They are a little pricey but so worth it! It tells you when your two most fertile days are. I used it for 2 months and got pregnant after we had been trying for what felt like forever. Plus its always a little fun to see that smile pop up :)! Makes you feel more positive about trying I guess!
Please know you are in my prayers.
I understand! I was just thinking about you the other day, and was remembering a comment you posted when I announced I was pregnant with my third. It was your same story, we had been trying, and trying, and it wan't happening. It was hard because like you said everyone it seemed was having babies around me. Well the day finally did come, I had a lot of minor complications the entire time, but she's perfect and wonderful now, and totally worth the wait of course. Back to your comment you made when I announced, I don't know if you remember but you said "I was thinking there would be an announcement soon, don't ask me why.." And that is exactly what I was thinking just the other day. So, what I am trying to say is, just relax (I know that's a silly thing to say), but when we are so focused and stressed on achieving a goal the stress in this situation is actually hindering your body from achieving it. You are an extremely talented and athletic mom ;) and you have to rmember sometimes it's ok to take it easy, to give your body a rest so that nature can take over. I am excited for you future with a million children and know it will come! And you will look back and say "Man that was truly perfect timing"...it all happens for a reason. Remember who's incharge here ;) It's hard but it's times like these when we have to step back and realize sometimes we need our Savior through it all, even the things we think we can do without. You are an awesome mom!
Annette,
I just had to write to tell you how much I feel for you right now. Michael and I have been trying for our second baby for 8 months now. Every month I'm convinced I'm pregnant and every month that stupid stick only shows 1 line. I thought it would be easier than this and now only feel pressure because I want another child so very badly.
Two years ago I lost my baby at 11 weeks. I had a similar ER experience as you and had very similar thoughts as I watched clots and a placenta go into the toilet. Miscarriage is such a hard thing to go through. I found comfort in knowing I wasn't alone both here on earth and from Heaven.
I will pray that your prayers are answered and that your heart heals. I can tell you it get easier; you will always remember that child, but it gets easier to think about it without dissolving into tears. I am here if you ever want to talk.
Love, Shelley
My heart breaks for you Annette, I know that pain of not seeing those two lines month after month (3 1/2 years worth)! It never gets easier sorry to say, the great thing is that someday you can get to a point of comfort of knowing the Lord has a better plan for us and knows much more than we do. it takes time and lots of praying and healing but you will one day feel comforted in his plan for you and your family whether it comes in the form of a new baby or not. I feel for you and will be praying for you and your family.
Post a Comment