Mommy Guilt

Forgive me a moment as I just spill everything that I feel right now.  Being a mom is hard.  It is a lot harder than I ever expected it to be, and I have a new respect for my mom and moms throughout the world.  It is a job that never ends, a job that is tedious, a job that can be lonely, a job that can be frustrating, a job that pays in smiles, a job that people's futures depend on, and a job I try to do well because I know it is the most important job in the world.  But I wish being important would make it easy.  If you would have asked me what I thought of being a mom when I had one child, I would have said that it's tough, but a lot of fun.  I still managed to get a healthy dinner on the table.  I was able to keep the floor vacuumed.  I felt like I had time to sit on the floor and do nothing but watch my daughter play.  If you would have asked me what I thought of being a mom once I had two daughters, I would have said that it's definitely more complicated but it is so much fun to see them interact as siblings.  Dinners were still on the table.  Dishes were done most of the time.  Laundry day happened on Monday and only required four loads.  And it still didn't feel difficult to take the kids to the grocery store.  Now ask me what I think being a mom of three kids....it's tough.  I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted all the time.  I'm able to dust maybe once a month.  My windows, mirrors, and walls are covered with fingerprints that I never find the time to wipe off.  Vacuuming happens regularly now simply so Kelton doesn't choke on anything as he's crawling around.  Grocery shopping is so far down on my to-do list that we are consistently eating canned soup from the basement because finding a window of opportunity to go to the store is simply too hard.  I find myself wearing workout clothes all day more and more often because it take more effort than it's worth to really "get ready."  And as much as I want to take my kids to the park or sit on the floor and watch them play, I find that my mind never settles as it sorts through the million jobs that I still need to do.

A couple of weeks ago I was vacuuming and feeling pretty lousy about my job as a mom.  Sure the kids were fed, bathed, dressed, their beds were made, and I gave Cambrie an "I love you" and a hug as she left for school, but I was feeling super guilty about not laughing with them as much I think I should, taking them the park more, reading them more stories, and a long list of other things.  I was feeling serious mommy guilt.  Then it hit me, there have been millions, no billions of moms on this earth and NOT ONE of them was perfect.  Not one of them has had it all together all of the time.  Not one of them spends every second of their waking day playing with their kids.  Not one of them has had the perfect combination of love, play, housekeeping, discipline, outings, crafts, treats, nutrition, tuck-in stories, dance time in the family room, or silly songs.  It has never happened, EVER, which makes me feel a little better about doing what I'm doing.

Even though I feel like I had an vacuuming epiphany, it still doesn't change the fact that I still feel like I'm not doing enough for my kids.  I feel like my love language may be different than what they need and it's hard to make the switch for each individual in my family, so I feel like there is a very real possibility that my kids don't know how much I truly, truly love them.  So even though they don't read this blog and they won't read the letters in the printed Roger Neighborhood for years, I still feel like I need to write them each a letter to let them know I love them.

Dear Cambrie,
     You are such a blessing in our home.  You are a perfect big sister.  I can trust you to take care of your little sister and brother.  I know you can help them feel better when they are sad or hurt.  I love seeing you make them laugh.  As a big sister you are the first one I turn to when I need help.  You are such a excellent helper for me. There are times that I don't have enough hands to do what I need to do, and you are always there ready and willing to do what I ask.  I am grateful that I am able to spend so much time with you, because I already can tell that we are going to be good friends and you get older.
     I feel so proud as I watch you learn new things and improve upon your talents.  You are reading chapter books now, which I think is remarkable.  I always knew that you were smart.  You do well in school and I am so relieved to know what a hard worker and good listener you are in class.  When I come in to help in your classroom I watch you.  I watch to see how you treat other kids and how they treat you.  I am so happy to see that you are kind to the other kids and that they really are your friends.  You help people stay on task, help them when they are stuck, and look for ways to include others in your games.  It is a very special quality to not leave someone out.  You are so incredibly creative.  Some of the projects you show me that you've made leave me speechless.  I had no idea there were so many different ways to use a toilet paper roll and scraps of paper.  You use your mind, which thrills me and I hope you continue to develop your talents.
     I love hearing you share your knowledge of the gospel.  You have a sweet, pure testimony and I know that you believe in Jesus Christ.  When we read scriptures at night I am sometimes more than amazed that you know the answers to the questions we are asking you.  You internalize the gospel and try to make it part of your life.  Thank you so much for reminding me each week to do Family Home Evening.  Thank you for reminding us to read scriptures even if we are exhausted and it is past your bedtime.  Thank you for being willing to pray when you need help with a problem.  You are a great example to me of what it is to be caring, forgiving, and full of faith.  I love you so much sweetheart.  Thank you for being part of our family.
     Love, Mommy

Dear McKenzie,
     I never thought that princess dresses could make me smile so much.  You really are our little princess.  As I watch you walk around the house, through the store, or around a friend's house with your princess gown and tiara I can't help but smile and think that you know who you are.  You are sensitive, concerned about others, and hate to see other people upset.  You are stubborn too.  Probably one of the most stubborn four-year-old I have ever met, but I have a feeling that will be advantageous to you in the future.  You aren't going to let people push you around and you will be true to who you are.  I just hope that as you grow I can teach you that you are a daughter of God and that you wear that title as proudly as any princess dress.
     I needed to register you for preschool next year, and it's a little bitter-sweet for me.  On one hand, I am excited for you to have your own adventures, but on the other hand I really don't want to see you go.  I have really enjoyed teaching you at preschool and thought I would have one more year with you before you started to get swallowed up by the world.  I won't get to see you raise your cute hand when you know the answer to a question, or the pride in your face when you get that question right, and I don't want to admit that this is the first of many things in your life that I won't be able to experience first hand.  I love watching you at gymnastics.  You may or may not realize it, but you have a talent.  I will do everything I can to set the stage for you so you can be successful if that's what you choose.  I love seeing you succeed.  I love seeing your excited little face running to me to tell me how you did the ice-cream scoops on the beams, or were brave enough to jump from the high platform into the pit.  Your determination impresses me, even if it sometimes drives me crazy.
     Your prayers lately have really touched me.  You remember to pray for your Uncle Ryan on his mission.  You say that you are grateful for your sister and brother.  And you express your love and gratitude for Jesus.  I hope your little testimony continues to grow because hearing you explain your love for the Savior really touches my heart.  I love you so much princess.  We are blessed to have you.
     Love, Mommy

Dear Kelton,
     Right now your needs are pretty simple.  As long as I keep you full, clean, and held you are just fine.  But really, you are more than fine, you radiate joy.  You smile more than any baby I have ever been around.  Your smile makes your whole face light up and makes everyone around smile too.  Now that you are crawling, all I have to do is enter the room and your happy little face comes at me at warp-crawl.  I'm still waiting for you to learn how to hug, but you occasionally lay your head on my shoulder and that is one of the best "I love you's" I can get.  
     I have no idea if you are going to like monsters or cars, if you are going to like cuddles or balls, but it is fun to smile at your future and have a pretty good idea that you are going to be a happy kid.  When you accomplish a goal, like when you rolled over for the first time, sat up successfully, crawled forward a few inches, or pull yourself up on the couch you look so proud.  It's a great feeling as a mom to see my kid proud of what they can do.
     I am grateful that you bring so much happiness into our home.  Your sisters absolutely adore you, and you can bring a smile out of me so easily.  Thank you for your smile.
     Love, Mommy

Happy Valentines Day

Valentines Day for the girls started with beautiful bouquets of roses from Jeremy.  The girls each received a dozen of their own, and I had a vase full of two dozen blooming beauties.  Besides making our house look cheerful, they filled the house with their aroma.  I felt like I was walking into a flower shop every time I walked in the door.  The girls look at their flowers every time they sit down to eat and talk about how pretty the petals are and which ones are blooming next.  

The kids also each received a Valentine's Day shirt from their Nana, and "love" jewelry from Grandma.  

We topped them off with heart-inspired hair and got on with the rest of our heart-inspired day.  

We had red velvet heart pancakes, heart sandwiches, heart pizzas, and purple heart rice krispies for dessert.  

I even decided to show the kids how much I love them by letting them build a huge fort in the living room and let them keep it up all day.  That's love people!  Now that Kelton is comfortable crawling, he gets really excited that he can climb all over me.  (You can see part of the girls' fort in the background.)

Jeremy had to work all day on Valentine's, but we still managed to squeeze in a date for us the night before.  We went to the Happy Sumo and ate sushi!  It was the first time either of us have had sushi and I need to say that I was very impressed.  We had no idea what we were ordering and basically pointed to a random picture on the menu, but we got lucky.  It didn't taste fishy and slimy like I was expecting.  Each roll was flavorful, and spicy, and sweet, and satisfying. I really, really loved it.  It was the first out-to-dinner meal that we both left feeling full but not full of sickly calories.  I am already looking for an excuse to go back because it was that good.  What a lovely day full of love!  

Happy 32!

Jeremy's birthday was on Monday.  He had to work that morning which is a rotten way to spend a birthday, but we had fun that night to make up for it.  He requested cheesecake for his cake.  When I asked the girls how we should decorate it we ran through the list of superheros, because boys like superheros.  We chose Captain America, because I like Captain America.  Jeremy was surprised and delighted to eat such a delicious treat. 

 Nest Jeremy got to open his presents.  Cambrie is the queen of homemade gifts.  She made a poster for Jeremy that read, "Love you lots."  

McKenzie helped decorate the wrapping paper and helped choose some new running socks.  Kelton helped by eating the wrapping paper.  This year his birthday presents definitely revolved around our upcoming 1/2 Ironman; biking shoes from Bruce and Leesa, a running watch and bike computer from my parents, and an iPod and running shoes from me. He is on his way to being perfectly outfitted for that race.  

The girls planned the rest of the party.  They put up all the decorations by themselves (minus the balloons on the fan), and pulled out all of the games they thought would make a fun party.  

We limboed...well, the girls limboed and Jeremy and I gave it our best shot.  

We played Yahtzee Jr. and a couple rounds of Candy Land.  While we were playing Candy Land I looked down to see our newest crawler helping himself to the rest of the games. 

 After all the kiddos went to bed, Jeremy and I spent the evening relaxing and watching Olympic speed skating.  I admit that the party wore me out and I fell asleep on the couch.  I never had a chance to ask him how his birthday was since I had passed out, but I'm pretty sure he enjoyed it!  Happy birthday handsome man!

Officially crawling

Kelton is now officially crawling!  We set him on the floor to play after church and the girls were setting up their toys too.  As we watched, Kelton picked up his belly and crawled across the floor to try to get McKenzie's princess mat.  We kept pulling the mat farther and farther away to see if he'd chase it, and he did.  So now at 7 months old, he is mobile.  

I'm not quite used to the idea yet and sometimes when I least expect it I feel little hands climbing up my legs or tickling my feet.  Yesterday we had to pull sequins, elastics, and fuzz balls out of his mouth.  Now more than ever it is time to start baby-proofing the floor.  Hey, maybe I'll end up with a cleaner house if the girls are always on Kelton-safe patrol!  The cutest part of his crawling is how proud he looks as he's doing it.  He knows exactly what he's up to and loves it.

  

A Night on the Red Carpet

This year the Daddy/Daughter Dance was themed, "A Night on the Red Carpet."  Cambrie had been counting down to the night for about three weeks.  She had so much fun last year and couldn't wait to see what it would be like this year.  "A Night at the Red Carpet" leaves the costume options way open, so we decided just to make Cambrie look glamorous.  I let her wear some mascara and lip gloss and she was beyond excited about that.  Looking at her pictures now she said, "Wow!  My lips look so pretty!"  I agree, she looked gorgeous.  

When they arrived at the dance there was a red carpet to walk down as they entered the school, paparazzi waiting with cameras, and reporters asking the stars which moving they would be appearing in next.  A lot of it was above Cambrie's head and she had no idea what the reporters were talking about.  Jeremy said this year he saw even less of her than last year.  They would be dancing but then she would see a friend and disappear.  Sometimes it would take Jeremy ten minutes or so to find her.  When they came home they still had smiles on their faces.  McKenzie is asking when she gets to start going to the dances too.  What a fun tradition and I'm glad they had a good time.

Splish! Splash!

This boy loves the tub and I love giving him his baths.  Now that he is so comfortable sitting up, he spends more time sitting up in his bath too.  Last night I decided to give the girls a treat and let Kelton take a bath with them.  They thought it was a blast until they realized how splashy he is!  I snapped some pictures trying to capture just how splashy he is, and came away with some funny faces.  It was a fun bath night.

Super Bowl XLVIII

I have never lived in a Super Bowl city before and it is awesome!  There is so much excitement in the air, fans are popping out of the wood works, and everyone and their dog (quite literally) is wearing orange.  I have always enjoyed the Super Bowl, but having some local pride on the line changes everything.  We all picked up Broncos fan gear (which was ridiculously hard to find since everyone and their dog already bought out the local stores).

  The girls wore Broncos gear to school, and Kelton wore his jammies all week.

 We made Broncos cookies.  

And took a pre-game pic of us celebrating our victory so we could immediately post it afterwards. 

 At the Werners we anxiously snacked on jalapeno poppers, mozzarella sticks, and Doritos to calm our nerves....great idea eh?  But after that first play when the ball was hiked over Manning's head and the Seahawks earned a safety, my appetite was gone.  That was a very bad start to a very big game.  If you watched the game you know just how bad things went for the Broncos.  We were back to cheering for first downs instead of touch downs.  And after each interception and turn over our hearts sank a little bit more.  

The girls, however, were oblivious to the disaster unfolding in MetLife stadium and enjoyed playing with their friends.  

Cheers!

We had hoped that John Fox gave his team a crazy inspirational speech during half time to fire them up, but all of that hope was immediately dashed after that kick-off return.  We all knew at that point there was no hope.  The score was 29-0 and the Broncos hadn't shown up to play.  When they scored their first and only touchdown of the night, I was simply relieved that it wasn't a total shut out.  I'm not sure why we finished watching the game, maybe out of disbelief, maybe out of a reason to hang out with friends, maybe so we could keep eating Broncos cookies, or maybe because the emotions had been sucked out of us and it wasn't as painful anymore.  Regardless the reason, we watched every one of those plays and every point that resulted in the 43-8 final score.  Our spirits lifted a little before we left as we saw our girls come down in their cheerleader make-up ready to cheer on the Broncos one last time.  Maybe we'll have better luck next year and can experience the elation from winning a Super Bowl championship.  Until then we will still wear our orange with pride.